The Yaoi Adventures Of Hugo & Other Weirdness
by TrekTournament
Summary: Haha! It hath returned! The 5 chapter is up for my silly Suikoden parody! Now for cake and icecream! It's a birthday party you won't forget!
1. Adventure 1: Bath Time!

The Yaoi Adventures of Hugo  
  
Disclaimer: It's unfortunate, but I, Digidude, TrekTournament, Milliatantrum, author (take your pick) do not own Suikoden III (or any other part of the series for that matter).  
  
Melville: God bless us, everyone.  
  
BUT!  
  
Sebastian: Ack! Hide!  
  
I can write fanfiction about it. Heh, the Suikoden series has got to be the best hentai trigger ever. Never has there been a better source of characters to splice together in random couplings. My main preference being yaoi, this is a god-send.  
  
All the male cast members: NOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Here now is my own little parody on the idea that Hugo is a blithering gay pervert who wants to do it with all the good-looking (or at least all the non-ugly, non-old, and otherwise tolerable and agreeable) guys in Suikoden III. This shall be done in parts. Oh, and don't think Hugo won't be gaining "help" along the way.  
  
Adventure #1: Bath Time!  
  
Hugo was tired after a long day of beating the hinnies off random monsters.  
  
"Man, it's so weird how they pop up out of nowhere. Furthermore, stronger monsters seem to show up as I get stronger. Very strange."  
  
As he pondered this he continued his walk down through the basement of Budehuc castle. He realized that Thomas had renamed the place Budehuc even though it had already been named Budehuc prior to the aforementioned naming. No one seemed to notice this fact but him. He figured after all that had been happening lately a small detail like renaming a castle the same name it had been before was a minor weirdness and easy to overlook.  
  
He turned the corner toward the large wrecked ship that had embedded itself into the poor dilapidated building. He remembered how convenient it was that the hole on the ship's side and the large hole it made in the basement aligned perfectly to allow entry into either facility. This was also irrelevant to Hugo (as well as the plot, if there is one) and so he continued onward slapping five to Bazba as he passed.  
  
"Hey, gomey-G," the large lizard man greeted.  
  
"Yo," Hugo responded as he passed.  
  
Soon he passed Twailin the dwarf. Stopping, he peared over the gaping hole the old man had dug and was presently pulling himself out of.  
  
"Hey there, Twailin, what's up for the treasure huntin' today?" Hugo asked humorously.  
  
"Oh, you won't believe it! I found a secret chamber down below with a small library in it!" the old coot cackled.  
  
"Um, that's the third basement floor the elevator can reach it easy."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Twailin's grin flopped into a frown.  
  
"I'm assuming we know these two as well."  
  
Twailin reached down and pulled up Salome and Lucia, who's, if I, the author, might add, cloths were in much disarray.  
  
"Um, mom, why were you and Salome down there instead of in the meeting room?" Hugo asked with a cock of his eyebrow, "Oh, and why do you have such an audacious gash down the front of your shirt?"  
  
Lucia and Salome both blushed but Lucia quickly opened her mouth to respond.  
  
"Oh, we had, you know, to discuss something. in private. yay."  
  
"That still doesn't explain the rip on your shirt."  
  
Lucia crawled out of the hole and got up to face her son glaring down at him in her usual motherly way.  
  
"Don't worry about a thing, dear. Nothing to worry about. Yay, that's right. Now run along like a good boy."  
  
She leaned over to pat her son on the head and then helped Salome out of the hole. The two continued to walk away, hand-in-hand. Hugo watched in utter confusion.  
  
"I wonder what that was all about?"  
  
"And you think I'm naïve." Twailin murmured to himself.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Oh, nothing."  
  
"Well, OK. I'm off then"  
  
"See ya."  
  
"Right."  
  
Hugo waved the kooky man goodbye and went on his way.  
  
Hugo walked through the gaping hole of the ship and was making his way toward the stairs to the top of the vessel when he heard a womanly scream.  
  
"Ahhh! Ahhh! Get it away from me!"  
  
Hugo rushed over to see something quite interesting and strange. He halted to see poor Rico holding Fred in her arms while the tall man wriggled and screamed shrilly.  
  
"Eeee! It's a monster!" Fred continued shrieking.  
  
"It's just an ant, captain." Rico sighed wondering what she had done to disserve this.  
  
Hugo rolled his eyes and figured it best not to mess with the two when Fred got that way. He could never understand how such a guy who could take on an Ogre Dragon single-handedly could be deathly afraid of creepy-crawlies.  
  
Ignoring the spectacle up the galley stairs he strode soon feeling the cool sea breeze waft in his face. It was wonderful, a picturesque view of the large lake far off and a cool wind sifting about his body. Hugo stood smugly, that is, until a very rancid stench blew into his nose. Nearly keeling over he was saved by the wind as it carried the horrid smell away. He made his way to the railing and looked over to see Futch fainted on the ground and Sharon probing him with her spear.  
  
"Hey, hey-hey!" the energetic, but annoying, girl said as she tried desperately to wake Futch up.  
  
Hugo looked on a bit uneasy as a big bead of sweat dropped a ways down the side of his head.  
  
"When will that guy learn that Bright gets gas when it eats fruit?" Hugo muttered to himself annoyed.  
  
Hugo decided to let Sharon worry about Futch for the moment and walked off toward the bath house. As Hugo moved the cloth that adorned the entrance he was greeted by a very concerned Goro who was staring to the side of the room. Hugo turned to see both Aila and older Viki, in bath towels no less, waving fans in front of a downed Reed.  
  
"I see Reed inhaled at the wrong moment," Hugo conjectured.  
  
"You could say that," Goro agreed.  
  
Goro suddenly realized he had another customer, the Flame Champion, no doubt.  
  
"Oh, Hugo! Sorry, didn't realize it was you!"  
  
"No worries, bro," Hugo smiled back.  
  
"So, come to savor another luxurious bath by yours truly?"  
  
Goro got up to look off to the horizon, if only the horizon had not been covered by a think wall of wood. Hugo took a step back fearing what Goro might do. He hated when the other boy got in this state and usually ended up prunier than he cared for.  
  
"Uh, yay." Hugo stammered.  
  
"It is a pleasure to serve you my master, my lord, my grand warrior!"  
  
Goro turned to face Hugo with crazy possessed eyes that only one who worshipped Satan could match.  
  
"I hope his head doesn't start spinning around," Hugo thought, a fear he had one too many times in the company of this strange teen.  
  
Right, this way," Goro started for the men's side of the bath.  
  
Not that I, the author, would know where that is since they never show you in the game which side is which. Even so, Hugo followed taking the towel Goro held out for him as he entered the bath room. He went on to disrobe himself. He, oddly enough, did this very slowly, all the while being completely oblivious to Goro's staring.  
  
Goro was practically drooling, never had he thought Hugo so sexy. Sure, he had fantasies of taking Hugo full on and, well, doing very naughty things to him. But this, this was mesmerizing. The small but hard muscles covering Hugo's body was enough to make Goro's short-shorts tight, and considering how tight they looked on him in the first place this situation had to be painful.  
  
Hugo finally wrapped the towel around his waist before walking off toward the large bath. He smiled charmingly at Goro as he passed making boy blush profusely. Goro continued to stare as Hugo walked off. Oh, that sweet rump clad in only a thin layer of cloth. If only, if only, IF ONLY. oh, what the hell.  
  
Goro bolted forward at Hugo who was just taking off the towel. He flung himself through the air and bashed into Hugo head-on causing the two to go reeling into the bath with a loud splash. It didn't take long for either boy to come sputtering to the surface of the steamy water.  
  
"What was *cough* that for!?" Hugo yelled a little too loudly.  
  
Goro looked at Hugo longingly. It was also quite notable that his cloths had mysteriously removed themselves and now lay next to Hugo's on the other side of the room. What? Don't look at me like that. If I weren't allowed to use plot holes then why would they exist, huh? HUH? That's what I thought.  
  
"Oh! Hugo, take me now!"  
  
Goro flung himself at Hugo who grabbed him, though only out of reflex.  
  
"You. what?" Hugo asked uneasily.  
  
"I want you to do very naughty things to me! Please, my master, my lord, my grand warrior!"  
  
Hugo looked bewildered even more but decided to kick characterization out the window and smiled devilishly. Grabbing Goro in a possessive hug he kissed the other full on the lips. After sucking on Goro for a few he let go and looked lovingly into Goro's eyes.  
  
"Anything for you."  
  
"Oh, Hugo! Please, show me the dirty, naughty things you will do to me! Please! Please do!" Goro called out.  
  
"Alright!" Hugo yelled as he pushed Goro against the side of the bath.  
  
As you can guess Hugo proceeded to do those naughty, naughty things to Goro. What you didn't know.  
  
"Wow, I knew Goro was trying to make the bathes more pleasurable but, damn!" Aila said as she and Viki peered through the curtain.  
  
"Shhh, not so loud, they'll hear us," Viki scolded while holding a finger to her lips.  
  
The two girls continued to watch soon sighing simultaneously.  
  
"Ah, yaoi."  
  
THE END  
  
After Words: My god, this turned out longer than I had originally planned. But, I had fun. I had meant for it to be a bit shorter only because I had one scene in mind, the bath scene. But, all the other weird antics the other characters situated between Hugo and the bath were just too funny to give up. Oddly enough, I think this story actually had a plot. somewhere. Oh well, maybe I'll find it in the next chapter. That's right, I'm continuing this. What? I told you that in the disclaimer. Pay attention next time. Don't worry, the yaoi is only one half of each story. The other is silly Suikoden parody. Ah yes, do send feedback. Feedback make me a happy little fellow.  
  
-TrekTournament 


	2. Adventure 2: You’re Only Popular When Yo...

The Yaoi Adventures of Hugo And Other Suikoden Weirdness  
  
Disclaimer: Hmm, I still don't own Suikoden III.  
  
Suikoden cast: YAY!!!  
  
Probably something to do with me being broke. Oh well, someday. Anyway, here's the next installment of my insane love for yaoi and total random Suikoden OOCness.  
  
I would also like to thank Lady Roslyn of Harmonia for sending a review. As a gift to you, most gracious lady, you will get your wish with a little Thomas parody. Enjoy.  
  
Adventure #2: You're Only Popular When You're fifteen  
  
Hugo rose early before the sun had a chance peak over the 2D mountain range far in the distance. He remembered the talk he and Goro had yesterday after their, ahem, fun activity. He sat on his bed with a really big grin that you would see on most cute animal anime characters.  
  
"Goro." he sighed goofily.  
  
Suddenly his mind snapped back and he quickly darted toward the door. Peeking out the door the theme to "Mission Impossible" started to play. Hugo rushed out and instantly jumped up to the wall and clung much like a spider would. He raced along soon making the turn toward the grand stairwell. He leaped from one wall to the other and started to make his descent when he noticed two familiar figures come walking out from the direction of the bar.  
  
"Champion senses. tingling." Hugo thought.  
  
It was Ace and Joker, arm-in-arm, holding up large booze bottles in their free hands.  
  
"Ya, that-sh wa-sh sh-ooooo cooooolll." Ace mumbled.  
  
"I kno-uuuuu." Joker seemed to agree.  
  
"That-sh Anne. what a babe-sh."  
  
"To our great-sh abilit-eeee to pick up womeeeeennnn."  
  
The two clinked their bottles and continued by kissing each other on the lips. Hugo dropped and fell on his back, gaping audibly.  
  
Hrmmm? What-sh wa-sh that?" Ace asked not the least bit concerned.  
  
"Ah, damn cockroach-sh. Keep gettin' bigger I sh-ez." Joker answered.  
  
Indeed, Hugo did resemble that of a cockroach, a cockroach that had been excessively attacked by Raid. Though, I, the author, don't think that any poisonous material could have had any match to what Hugo just witnessed.  
  
"Brain. being. raped." the poor, now mentally damaged, Hugo finally spurted as the elder drunks walked off down the basement stairs.  
  
After a long while Hugo regained his senses and wobbled out the front door. He held his head as he regained his natural skin color. He then heard a familiar voice and looked down to see Kokoru looking up at him with his usual cute smiling doggy face.  
  
"Hey there, boy. You wanna play? Sorry, I have other things to do, emphasis on the "do". Could we play later?"  
  
Kokoru looked at him sullenly. Hugo couldn't say no to such a sad face. Looking around he found a small stick by his feet and picked it up. He stood up and threw the stick over the wall toward Mamie's outdoor diner. Kokoru perked up and ran over to the wall. After much contemplation (from a dog? HAH!) Kokoru looked back at Hugo.  
  
"Go around and down the stairs. Come on." Hugo encouraged.  
  
Kokoru cocked his head but then brightened as a light bulb lit up over his face.  
  
"Ouch! Is that, like, a two-hundred watt light bulb?" Hugo winced while covering his face with his arm.  
  
Kokoru walked up the stone porch and then leapt up to the top of the wall. Then, to Hugo's horror, he jumped off the wall to most likely plummet to little doggy doom. Hugo stared shocked, he didn't have the courage to look over the edge.  
  
"Um, right. On my way now."  
  
Giving one last glance back Hugo continued walking down the path leading to the inn. He looked around once to see if the coast was clear. All he saw was Hallek sprawled out and sleeping in the middle of the field of Budehuc castle. Hugo shook his head, that Hallek certainly was weird. As he passed by he heard Hallek mumbling some dream.  
  
"No, mommy. not Mr. Snuffles. Oh. thank you. I like. fit good. frilly."  
  
Hugo decided to quicken his pace just so not to sustain another migraine like before. He crept slowly down the next stairs leading to Juan's training center. Peering over the stone wall he saw Barts getting ready to plant some more seeds. Smiling evily to himself he got up and walked the rest of the way in a very smug and seductive manner.  
  
"Hello, Barts," Hugo greeted.  
  
"Huh? Oh, Hugo? What are you doing up so early?"  
  
"Weeeeeell, I thought you might want some company," the young Karayan said in a most suspiciously innocent way.  
  
"Oh, OK. Thanks, but, there really isn't anything that interesting about farming if you're just watching."  
  
"Who said I was going to watch you plant seeds," Hugo grabbed Barts in a tight hug, "How 'bout I plant my seed in you?"  
  
And with that, Barts gave a smile so grand. His cheeks were like roses - er - sorry, that was a Christmas poem. But, yay, you get the idea that Barts went against all normal characterization and let Hugo use him in very naughty and, if I might add, even naughtier ways.  
  
---------------  
  
Later on in the day, everyone was bustling about. Thomas thought this a perfect opportunity to meet some of the new recruitments. He walked past Martha who seemed very happy these days with all the money spending happening at her ticket booth.  
  
"Hi there sweety." Martha waved cheerfully.  
  
"Hello Ms. Martha," Thomas returned the greeting.  
  
"Oh, Thomas! Good morning!" Cecile yelled as she raced over to meet him.  
  
"Hey Thomas! Sanae called as she came over as well.  
  
"Ah, ya cute little boy, there ya ah!" Kathy greeted in that cool southern accent of hers.  
  
"Yay! It's Thomas!" a random fangirl squealed.  
  
"He's so adorable!" yet another fangirl squealed.  
  
"I wanna pet 'im!" a third fangirl said, equealing as well.  
  
"Whee! Thomas!" a fourth fangirl, believe it or not, squealed.  
  
Soon, Thomas was surrounded by just about every female recruit and fangirl imaginable. They started petting him and hugging all the while telling him how cute he was. Becoming very scared due to all the attention he struggled to free himself. Finally, he burst from the crowd.  
  
"Quick! He's getting away!" Yuri shouted.  
  
All the women ran after him with broad smiles and cooed at him sweetly.  
  
"Help me!" Thomas screamed as he ran past Percival with the huge gaggle of woman and now even greater number of fangirls hot on his trail.  
  
Percival only watched annoyed, one eyebrow twitching. ever. so. slightly.  
  
----------------  
  
Mel stood, face-to-face, with Sgt. Joe. Her face wrinkled in deep concentration. Suddenly, she jumped up and pointed Branky at Sgt. Joe.  
  
"I command you to say "cookie"!"  
  
Sgt. Side glanced for a second before returning his gaze to the crazy child before him. With a roll of his eyes he spoke.  
  
"Gookie."  
  
"No, no! Cookie! See! Put emphasis on the "C"!"  
  
I did say "gookie", OK."  
  
"No you didn't! You said "gookie"!"  
  
"Look kid, I don't have lips! I think the problem with my speech is just a little obvious, OK. So, just get off my case!"  
  
"Oh, please try, Mr. Sgt. Joe!" Mel pleaded very sugary-like.  
  
"No! Now get away from me you little hyperactive nutcase!"  
  
Mel didn't know what hyperactive meant but, all the same, figured she had just been insulted. She held Branky out in front of her like a gun, or rather, the posture would have been like a gun had they been invented yet.  
  
"Devil's Doll!" she shrieked as a random streak of green light twisted around her.  
  
Realizing what she was doing Sgt. Joe turned on one web and shot off at top mallard speed.  
  
"Wait! You can't get away from me that easily!" Mel yelled hot on the duck soldier's tail.  
  
--------------  
  
Luce sat quietly on a nicely fashioned rocking chair. She hummed a cheerful little tune while knitting, what appeared to be, a pair of Krayan pants. After Hugo had shown her a weird rip on the crotch area of his pants she agreed to fix them for him. In the meantime she gave him a pair of Billy's pants until the repairs were done.  
  
"I swear, children rip their clothing in the oddest places," she murmured to herself while stringing a long purple thread through the poomfy pants.  
  
At one point she felt a small tug on the thread she was using and looked up to see Fubar, on his back, playing with the ball of thread. She smiled; it was cute to see Fubar like that.  
  
"Ah, you cute griffin. Just don't pull too hard, OK?"  
  
Luce went back to her knitting while returning to humming her song, "Back Street's Back", in case you were wondering. It didn't take long before Fubar accidentally tugged a little too hard. Luce looked up a bit peeved until she noticed the distressed look on the big griffin. Getting up she went over to pry the ball of twine out from the griffin's claw.  
  
"OK, Fubar, put your claw up."  
  
Fubar did as he was commanded and Luce tried pulling on the ball. Not realizing it she hurt Fubar who shrieked highly. Knocking over Luce Fubar ran towards the door but not before Luce was able to grab the thread again. Fubar did not notice and crashed through the door.  
  
"What the.?" was the last thing Nash said before being pile driven through the wall next to him.  
  
"Wahhhhh!!! Fubar, stop!" Luce tried calling out but it had no effect to the insane creature dragging her along.  
  
Luce bounced all about the corridor.  
  
"Damn 3D environment! Nothing is breakable!"  
  
After this statement the author realized that he had made Nash get pummeled through a wall not too long before this scene. Thinking for a bit the author reached into his box o' plot holes and through one into the story.  
  
"Ahhh!" Lilly shrieked in double terror seeing Fubar running after her and noticing a plot hole spinning toward her.  
  
The snotty girl quickly ducked just in time to see the dastardly hole go whizzing over her head. Unfortunately, she this didn't give her enough time to dodge the winged freight train headed straight for her. Fubar hit with the force of about three-hundred unladed swallows, not that, I, the author, would really know that, but it sounded funny, and sent Lilly flying over the railing. Fubar, as well as Luce, went careening through the railing and fell to the floor below. Lilly was lucky enough to grab onto the large crystal chandelier. After knocking himself out by, not slamming into the floor necessarily, having Luce land on his head Fubar lay silent while breathing slowly. Luce held her head in slight pain but was glad she landed on something soft. Viki on the other hand poked her head out of her mirror to see if the coast was clear. Sighing to herself she spoke sarcastically.  
  
"Well, you don't see that everyday."  
  
"Hey! A little help here!" Lilly called down in her usual peevish manner.  
  
The author answered, very sweetly, with another plot hole that sliced right through the chandelier's ceiling chain. It was at this moment that Lilly realized the author didn't like her very much.  
  
--------------------  
  
Dupa, Shiba, and Bazba walked up to Peggy at Peggy's shop.  
  
"Yo! Homey-G!" Dupa called out to Peggy.  
  
"Mo fo! How it be in the crib!?" Peggy greeted back.  
  
"Oh, my shizzy! It iggly biggly!" Dupa resonded.  
  
"Yay! Hootie ma toootie!" Bazba agreed.  
  
"Ba ginnie Minnie!" Shiba backed up.  
  
"Huh?" the three other lizards asked in unison.  
  
"Um, bibity-bobity-boo?" Shiba corrected himself.  
  
"Ah, oolie poolie and this little piggy went to market, foo!"  
  
And with that cancer was cured, a kitten was saved from drowning, a family was gifted with a new born baby, Aeris didn't die, Knuckles got over his stupid gullibility, Link finally got to kiss Zelda, and Gillaume suddenly transformed into a super hot bishi. Oops. Sorry about that last part, I'm an author after all, fantasy is one thing but miracles are completely different.  
  
--------------------  
  
Hugo sat sadly next to Kokoro's doghouse.  
  
"Man, how am I gonna explain this to Alanis?" he moaned  
  
He looked disdainfully down at his baggy pants that smelled a little.  
  
"Man, doesn't Billy ever wash his cloths?"  
  
Hugo was too depressed as he looked at Kokoru's doghouse. His attention was averted by Thomas running by with a large hoard of fangirls chasing him, but only for a second. He felt so bad. If only he had realized how stupid Kokoru really was he never would've thrown that stick. Suddenly, a stick hit him hard on the side of the head. Hugo turned to see Kokoru, standing on his hind legs no doubt, and flipping a rock in his dominant right paw.  
  
"Oh, uh, hi, Kokoru." Hugo stuttered.  
  
Kokoru made one step forward. Hugo felt a large bead of sweat roll down his head. Kokoru took another step forward.  
  
"Now, Kokoru, I know it looked like I was trying to kill you, but, you gotta believe me when I say this: I didn't mean it!" Hugo wailed as he got up and put his hands in front of him as if to say: Get away from me you crazy animal that might have rabies but we don't know because you're a stray.  
  
Kokoru's eyes flared and he wound up his leg (arm now?) and threw the rock with such skill that it would make Nomar Garcia proud. Hugo quickly dodged the stone as it hit the stone wall shattering into dust.  
  
"Nya, nya! Ya missed me!" Hugo taunted while stepping back toward the stairs leading to Mamie's outdoor diner. Unfortunately, Hugo forgot he was wearing oversized pants and stepped on the hem. He tripped backwards but despite his frantic try to right himself he went tumbling down the stairs. Kokoru rushed over to watch Hugo tumble to the ground.  
  
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow! OW! Oh, ow ow! OW ow OW! Help me! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!! 0\/\/!!!1 Ouchies! Mommy! Oh, spirits, make the hurting stop! Ahhhhhh! My spleen!"  
  
After Hugo made a rather sickening crunch the small dog stood for a few seconds recollecting on his sudden luck. Kokoru then looked at the screen and wagged his tail. The good ol' fashioned cartoon ending circle closed in and Kokoru jumped up to grab it with his paws.  
  
"Bark, bark!" he barked happily and the story came to an end with cute cartoon doggy music.  
  
THE END  
  
After Words: Ah, only a day after I wrote the first one and I finish the second part. It feels good to have a muse these days. Man, this one is even longer than the last. Whoopee! Heh, couldn't help myself with the rap talk. When I did that with Bazba in the first adventure I knew I had caught onto something good. Once again, thanks to our dear lady of Harmonia. Maybe next time I'll put in Sasarai, hee hee. So, until next time. Send me reviews, suggestions, money. You never know, you might get a nice surprise in the adventures to come (especially if you pay me in large wads of bills).  
  
-TrekTournament 


	3. Adventure 3: I Know Who You Did Last Sum...

The Yaoi Adventures of Hugo And Other Suikoden Weirdness  
  
Disclaimer: Be very, very quiet. I'm huntin' Suikoden. In other words, I don't own it. Thus is the ever going frustration. Oh, well. Fic time.  
  
Adventure #3: I Know Who You Did Last Summer  
  
Hugo lay in one of the beds used for the Budehuc infirmary. Both his arms and legs hung in the air in large casts. Though he hadn't broken them they were sprained horribly.  
  
"Some Flame Champion you are," Nash commented sarcastically on the bed next to Hugo.  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault! My pants were being mended!" Hugo cried trying to keep what dignity he had left, "And what about you!? You got thrown through a wall!"  
  
"I suppose that is my fault for choosing to stand in the hall whenever I'm out of the party."  
  
"Heh," Hugo snuffed triumphantly.  
  
"Well, we gotta stay for the day until our wounds heal anyway."  
  
"What do you mean wounds? You don't have a scrape on you!"  
  
"Yay, don't you just love plot holes?"  
  
Hugo realizing the opportunity the author was giving him smiled devilishly.  
  
"Hey, Nash? I got a real fun activity for us while we wait."  
  
"Mm?" the older man perked.  
  
"You see, it involves you taking off both our cloths and you getting on top of me."  
  
"Really, that sounds very interesting."  
  
Nash got up and did as Hugo said.  
  
"Like this right?" Nash asked sitting on Hugo's stomach.  
  
"Yay, that's right."  
  
"So, what's the fun activity?"  
  
-------------------  
  
Sasarai sat calmly upon a hill near Budehuc castle. He looked on as cute little goombas and koopa troopas played in the fields in front of him. It was nice to relax every once in a while. He had been training hard for the upcoming battle.  
  
"Mmmm, what a lovely day," he said to himself as some paratroopas flocked by.  
  
"Sasarai!"  
  
Sasarai looked back to see who was calling him. He saw Luc running up to him, tears running down his face.  
  
"Sasarai!" the twin whaled again.  
  
Sighing, Sasarai got up and waited for Luc to come over.  
  
"What is it, Luc?" Sasarai answered begrudgingly.  
  
"My mask!" Luc cried throwing himself into Sasarai's arms.  
  
Sasarai glanced about, hoping no one was near to see this spectacle. Frowning out of annoyance he put his hand on Luc's shoulder to reassure him.  
  
"Yes, Luc, it was destroyed back in the True Water runes ruins."  
  
"But, but, but. I want it back!" Luc sobbed on Sasarai's shoulder.  
  
"It's broken, you idgit! You can't get it back!"  
  
"Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!"  
  
Sasarai held his ears as Luc screamed awfully. Suddenly, he noticed a shyguy walk by.  
  
"Wait right here, Luc," Sasarai said.  
  
Luc wiped his tears and stood up again. Sasarai then leaped at the shyguy. Upon catching it he ripped it's mask off. The shyguy made a croaking sound, spun a few times, imitated Jim Carry as Ace Ventura, recited the first four lines of the lumberjack song, and then promptly fell over dead.  
  
"Well, you don't see that everyday. I guess that's how you kill them."  
  
Sasarai stared at it for a few before reverting his gaze to his crying twin. He then handed the shyguy mask to Luc who looked at it quizzically.  
  
"Here, a mask. Happy, now?" Sasarai asked in a very irritated tone.  
  
"Um, well." Luc stuttered.  
  
"What?" Sasarai exasperated.  
  
"It's just not the same." Luc complained pitifully.  
  
Ah, GEEZ, Luc! You're such a brat!"  
  
Luc began to cry again throwing himself into Sasarai. Sasarai, just about ready to snap, counted to ten in his head before using a fake consoling voice.  
  
"It's alright, Luc," he said with clenched teeth, "We'll just go find a new one for you."  
  
Luc perked up immediately.  
  
"Really!?" he squealed.  
  
"Yes," Sasarai said, though he felt he was going to regret this.  
  
"Yay! I'll go get Yuber and Sarah! We can all go together like one big happy family!"  
  
And so Luc skipped away. Sasarai couldn't help but notice the odd trail of flowers that were now sprouting up from where Luc touched the ground. Whether that was a good sign or not, he wasn't sure. Slapping himself several times he trudged back to Budehuc castle.  
  
"God. I. hate. him."  
  
-----------------  
  
The bar lay dark and silent. The only sounds that could be heard was the padding of lizard feet and the occasional cough. Suddenly, a spotlight shown on the stage. There stood Dupa, dark shades caressing his snout, holding up a microphone to his wide mouth.  
  
"You all ready to rumble!!!" the lizard leader yelled to the large crowd in front of him.  
  
"Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!" the crowd yelled back.  
  
"A'ight!" Dupa yelled.  
  
Suddenly, another spotlight shown on a DJ Peggi and two more on Bazba and Shiba, who apparently were back-up singers. Yet another spotlight shown on Nei, Toppo, and Shabon, all of whom were wearing ridiculously oversized pants and strange berets. As the musicians and Peggi began playing their respective instruments mysterious loud, obnoxious rap music began thumping through the room. And thus the mystery of how Nei, Toppo, and Shabon could play any sound any other instrument could make with just a tambourine, guitar, and violin was left for yet another day.  
  
"A shizzy-ah-ah-nizzy I wanna gizzy you tonight!" Dupa sang in a weird broken and poetic way.  
  
"Doop doop doop doop!" Bazba and Shiba droned in the background.  
  
"Viky-viky," said Peggi's records as he scratched them with his claws.  
  
"Hey-ho hey-ho!" the crowd cheered as they created a swaying mosh pit.  
  
"Yay, that right, foo! Bean-bean and over the river to grandma's house we go!"  
  
"Doop doop doop doop!"  
  
"Viky-viky-viky-vik!"  
  
"Hey-ho hey-ho!"  
  
"Toil, toil and bubble! Click yer heals three times mofo!"  
  
As the excitement went on Nadir and Anne got some strobe lights ready and soon unleashed the rainbow colors about the room. It was amazing the amount of excitement that filled the bar. Men were being drowned in beer by large breasted whores, children ran about wildly, Dupa and company bounded about on stage doing strange hand gestures, even Elliot was break dancing on the floor in a circle of whooping men. If one didn't know any better they'd say it was an Eminem concert.  
  
The song went on bringing with it excitement and strange fashion senses. Finally, the song ended.  
  
"Doo-waaaaaa!" Bazba and Shiba ended in an incredibly rhythmical barber shop way.  
  
"Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much," Dupa bowed.  
  
"Father my children!" Lilly yelled.  
  
Everyone looked at her horrified.  
  
"What? He's sexy for a lizard."  
  
"You sick, twisted." Jacques spoke up.  
  
Dupa burst into tears as Bazba and Shiba tried to console him.  
  
"Kill her! Kill the witch!" the crowd yelled.  
  
"Wha.?" Lilly stuttered.  
  
The crowd pounced Lilly instantly. Meanwhile, the author cackled with glee.  
  
-----------------  
  
"And a one and a two." Kenji was performing his usual exercises out at the ranch.  
  
"And then, he tried recruiting me." Jeane spoke as she and Apple walked down the path toward the ranch.  
  
"Oh, dear," Apple said when she suddenly noticed Kenji.  
  
"What - er - oh, dear," Jeane imitated after seeing what Apple saw as well.  
  
Both women stood frozen for a moment too afraid to move. Kenji, without noticing them, bent over, allowing his, um, how shall I say this, Grand Canyon to show for all the world to see. Both Apple and Jeane's eye widened.  
  
"I, I think I'm going to be sick." Jeane moaned.  
  
"It's like a train wreck, you can't keep your eyes off it," Apple surmised tentatively.  
  
Kenji then stretched upward allowing his, hmm, best way to not make it seem disgusting, rrr, cauliflower to shine brightly from his armpits.  
  
"Oh, dear." Apple said.  
  
"Excuse me," Jeane spoke quickly while turning a very nasty shade of green.  
  
Kenji then cracked his knuckles making a sickening sound equivalent to that of a lion ripping apart it's pry, while still alive.  
  
"Gahhhh." Apple couldn't speak anymore she was too horrified.  
  
Jeane promptly threw up in a nearby bush. Finally, Kenji did the last of his sinful deeds and took off his shirt. *The monstrous description of the next sentence has been cut out to protect those with weak minds, stomachs, bladders, heart problems, and women who are pregnant*  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Apple shrieked.  
  
Jeane just fainted as Apple ran off leaving a storm of dust in her wake.  
  
Kenji turned to where he had heard the screaming. With a quirk of his eyebrow he continued with his exercise.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Oh, Percival, you're the only one for me," Chris whispered as she clung to his arm.  
  
"Whatever," Percival responded.  
  
For some reason Percival never showed his true feelings for Chris. But, of course, if he did then Borus and Leo would beat the crap out of him. He chuckled to himself, how funny it was that he and Chris were really in love but kept it a secret. Even so, Percival planned to become the most loved man of all and would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. Chris found this even more amazing about her love. This way, when he became the most loved man no woman could take him because he was hers.  
  
Chris looked up at Percival and leaned into his face. Percival felt, since no one was looking, to kiss her, but, before either of them came that far they noticed a small bush sitting directly in front of them that wasn't there before. Suddenly, Thomas poked his head out of the bush.  
  
"Uh, hello, Thomas," Chris greeted a bit tentatively.  
  
"Percival," Thomas spoke in a low voice so no one would hear.  
  
"Yes?" the handsome knight asked.  
  
"I need your help," Thomas continued.  
  
"For what?" Both Chris and Percival had become interested.  
  
"I need help keeping those fangirls away from me," Thomas concluded nervously while whipping the smooch marks on his face.  
  
"Oh, Thomas!" some random fangirl yelled holding some rope while another next to her held a chair.  
  
Chris cringed a little while Percival smiled.  
  
"Do you, think you can help me?"  
  
"Oh, Percy." Chris chimed in.  
  
"Don't call me that," Percival said annoyed.  
  
"Sorry, it's just such a cute nickname," she apologized, "I just think that since Thomas is so cute."  
  
"Not you too."  
  
"Don't worry, Thomas, I got my man."  
  
Both Chris and Percival rubbed their cheeks together happily.  
  
"Uh, right." Thomas said as he looked on bored.  
  
"Ah, yes, anyway. Percival, I think we should help him."  
  
"OK, but you have to help me in return," Percival said while smiling somewhat wickedly.  
  
"Um, *gulp* OK."  
  
"I'll help you if you let me take all the fangirls."  
  
"All the fangirls?"  
  
"Yes!" Percival leapt on top of a large stone and posed somewhat similar to that of a Power Ranger, "Because once I get all the fangirls to love me, I'll be the most untouchable man alive! Ahahahahahahahhah!"  
  
"A bit nuts, don't you think?" Thomas commented.  
  
"Oh, you get used to it," Chris waved off.  
  
Percival zipped back and put his arm around Chris's waste.  
  
"So, we got a deal?"  
  
"Uh, sure," Thomas smiled somewhat fearfully.  
  
Percival and Chris then looked at each other smiling.  
  
"To the mall!" they both sang out and pointed their fingers to the sky.  
  
"Great, I have just put my life into the hands of two wacky whacky lovers. Why do I feel a cliché coming on?" Thomas groaned.  
  
-----------------  
  
Juan lay silently at his fighting dojo dreaming of pretty women and what he would like to do to them. Yes, it was a nice dream, involving much alcohol and little plastic toys. Juan's dream self was just about to insert his -  
  
"Hey! Juan wake up!" a shrill voice screamed.  
  
Juan's eyes bugged out as Kidd stuck his face close to his. Juan stared absolutely frightened, as the puddle of pee would hint at anyway.  
  
"Juan! Why are you asleep!?" the young detective shouted.  
  
Meanwhile, off in another dimension.  
  
"Did you all just hear that?" Terra asked.  
  
Locke, Edger, and Sabin all looked up from the card game that Setzer was currently beating them at.  
  
"Hear what?" Locke asked.  
  
"I heard a really shrill child's voice shriek just a second ago," Terra explained.  
  
"Gau! Give me back my paintbrush!" Relm screamed while running through the room after the wild boy.  
  
"Gauuuuuuuuu!!!" Gau yelped as he tried to stay out of her grasp.  
  
The five adults stared for a minute before returning to their previous activities.  
  
"Guess that answers my question," Terra mumbled to herself.  
  
Back in the world of Suikoden, Juan was trying desperately to think of a plan of escape so to get away from the hyper Kidd. It scared Juan how quickly Kidd could move. He was one place one second and then another the next second.  
  
"So, watcha dream about!? Were you comfy!? Why do you sleep like that!? Are all really lazy people like you strong!? Why do I ask so many questions!? I really am nosy, aren't I!? But I just love to know things! Wait, that wasn't a question!" Kidd babbled endlessly.  
  
Juan was increasing in sweat drops. He didn't want to die. He remembered the last time someone listened to Kidd blab constantly. Poor Gau, thank goodness Tuta knew brain surgery.  
  
"And you know what else!?" Kidd pronounced grandly.  
  
Juan thought frantically, and then.  
  
"Look, a monster!" Juan yelled.  
  
"Oh, I better get in support so I can watch!"  
  
Kidd quickly got behind Juan.  
  
"Hmm, I don't see any monsters."  
  
"Oh, that's because. he. is startled by noise," Juan spoke quickly.  
  
"Ah, right! I'll be real quiet!"  
  
And Kidd did be quiet. Juan waited for a few minutes before going back to sleep.  
  
"Hmm, you can't fight until the monster hits you so." Kidd whispered for what seemed like the first time in his life.  
  
Juan didn't hear him, of course, and dreamed on about sticking his.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Breadstick?" Mamie asked her current blonde customer.  
  
"No thanks," Borus answered.  
  
"Oh, but they're special breadsticks," Mamie pressed on.  
  
Borus looked at her for a few with a skeptical look.  
  
"Well, alright." Borus said slowly.  
  
"Oh, thank you, sir!" Mamie hopped a few times.  
  
Taking one of the breadsticks in Mamie's basket, Borus brought it to his lips and crunched down. He was soon hit by a wave of wonderful flavor. Rainbow colors swirled about him creating all sorts of cool images. He danced with colorful, fuzzy bears and skeletons and even Chris showed up in nothing but a very skimpy two-piece bikini.  
  
"Come on big man." Chris said as she curled a finger for him to come closer.  
  
Borus took this as an invitation and leapt forward soon crushing his face into the large bouncy boobs.  
  
"Ack! Borus! Get your face outta my breasts!" Mamie shrieked defiantly as Borus caressed her with his face.  
  
But nothing would stop him from his delusional escapade and so he held on possessively.  
  
"Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have bought that new "weed" stuff that Scott started selling at the trade shop!" Mamie continued whaling.  
  
"Mmm, Chris."  
  
-----------------  
  
Hugo still lay, fully clothed now, on the infirmary bed. Nash had left after Tuta had rechecked him saying he was fine after all. Hugo didn't feel bad now though, in fact he felt very good. So relaxed and comfortable. Just then, the door opened and in walked Goro, Barts, Aila, and older Viki.  
  
"Hello, Hugo!" Aila greeted with a rather large grin.  
  
"Uh, hi guys," Hugo responded.  
  
"Viki here has something to show you," Barts spoke very happily.  
  
Viki showed a small clipboard in front of Hugo. His eyes went wide when he realized all the names on it.  
  
"Huh? These are the names of all the guys in Budehuc!"  
  
"Quite right!" Aila said cheerfully.  
  
"But, Aila, Viki, how would you know about.?" Hugo stuttered.  
  
"Heh, heh, apparently they saw us in the bath," Goro spoke a little embarrassed.  
  
"And they forced him to tell about me," Barts followed up.  
  
"Hee hee, we know all about your little secret," Viki giggled childishly.  
  
"So, what's this all about?" Hugo asked.  
  
"Well." Aila laughed while circling her finger around Hugo's nose.  
  
"They want to help you get more guys," Goro broke in cheerfully.  
  
"Oh!?" Hugo brightened.  
  
"Of course! You can't get every guy all by yourself!" Aila answered gleefully.  
  
"Yes, so we made a list of all the potential candidates for you to chase after," Viki spoke up.  
  
"Oh, wow, you're the coolest you guys!"  
  
"Yay!" Aila threw her arms around Hugo and hugged him tightly.  
  
"Ahhhhh! Too tight!" Hugo yelled as pain surged through his body.  
  
"Oh, dear!"  
  
Aila cupped her hands around her mouth as Hugo lay limp, drool dripping out his mouth as he moaned in agony.  
  
"Ha ha! I guess we're off to a good start!" Barts laughed heartily.  
  
THE END  
  
After Words: Ah, another chapter done. What was I thinking with that Mario thing? Heh, it worked anyway. I will never stop the lizard rap movement! Bwahahaaha! I hope someone gets the breadstick joke right after the Juan story. On another note, do send reviews. Some of you may win snazzy prizes. (Some Suikoden girls in bikinis walk up with snazzy prizes) Like a new car! No, not really, but do send your thoughts. Bee bye for now.  
  
-TrekTournament 


	4. Adventure 4: The Sesame Street Version

The Yaoi Adventures of Hugo And Other Suikoden Weirdness  
  
Disclaimer: Once again it is time to rape the minds of my lovely readers with the next installment of my Suikoden III parody. First off, I don't own Suikoden III.  
  
Aila: Alright men, take aim.  
  
I would also like to thank followed-death for sending me that lovely threat - er - review! Yay, that's it! Also, thanks to Lady Roslyn once again. Your feedback is much appreciated.  
  
Aila: Ready!  
  
So, here we go! Time for yet another random day at the crazy castle Budehuc.  
  
Aila: Fire!  
  
Now, excuse me whilst I evade the many pointy aerial objects headed my way.  
  
(The author runs like hell.)  
  
Adventure #4: The Sesame Street Version  
  
Tuta held his stethoscope up to Hugo's bare chest.  
  
"Hmm, yes, yes, you're doing fine."  
  
"Really?" Hugo asked brightly.  
  
"Yep, you're all better now, Hugo," the kind doctor announced.  
  
"Oh, thank goodness you're alright Hugo," Mio chimed in.  
  
"Yay! Now I can do this!"  
  
Hugo grabbed Tuta and brought him in kissing hard. Mio just smiled and started to close a large curtain around Hugo's bed.  
  
"Hugo! What are you doing!? Mio! What are YOU doing!?" Tuta cried in fear.  
  
"Oh, don't worry about it doctor," Hugo reassured the frantic man, "You can show me all the best positions."  
  
As Mio closed the curtain all the way Goro, Aila, and Viki poked their heads into the room. Mio turned around and gave them the thumbs up sign.  
  
----------------------  
  
Samus jumps up on the stage and starts singing.  
  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, Lilly's a bitch! She's a big fat bitch! She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!"  
  
"No I'm not!" Lilly cries out.  
  
"Shut up, bitch, I'm enjoying myself," Queen retorts.  
  
"She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch!"  
  
"Don't think you're going to get your pay for doing this!" Lilly screams.  
  
"She's a bitch to all the boys and girls!"  
  
"What are you talking about!? I like children!"  
  
"But, you always call me a geek," Ernie intrudes tentatively.  
  
"Quiet you geek!"  
  
Ernie sinks back mournfully but Queen hugs her protectively.  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"On Mondays she's a bitch!"  
  
"Only if I haven't had my coffee!"  
  
"On Tuesdays she's a bitch!"  
  
"It's not my fault I had to scold you for not getting me vanilla icecream!"  
  
"On Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch!"  
  
"Hey! I have feelings too!"  
  
Some audience members giggle.  
  
"Then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehame BIYOTCH!"  
  
"Can anyone be that big of a bitch?" Yumi asks.  
  
"If anyone can, it's Lilly," Mike answers.  
  
"Have you ever met my master Lilly she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!"  
  
"Unfortunately, we have!" Hugo calls out.  
  
"She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair!"  
  
"My goodness! Look at all these horrible split ends!" Gordon retracts in disgust after touching Lilly's hair.  
  
"Hey! Don't touch me, you perv!"  
  
"She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!"  
  
"Thank goodness there isn't that many of her," Rody says scared.  
  
"There could be." Estella teases.  
  
"Eep!"  
  
The audience has now started chanting along with Samus.  
  
"Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!"  
  
The little kid characters start poking Lilly as they call her a bitch. Lilly just crosses her arms and starts to shake.  
  
"Now you all stop that this instant! I command you!" Lilly shrieks.  
  
"She's a stupid bitch!"  
  
Landis takes Lilly's hat and puts it on.  
  
"Look! I'm a stupid bitch!"  
  
Everyone laughs.  
  
"You will all suffer my wrath."  
  
"Lilly is a bitch and she's such a dirty bitch!"  
  
"Hey! I take baths!"  
  
"Once a week doesn't count!" Sharon yells out  
  
More audience laughter.  
  
"Talk to kids around the world it might go a little bit something like this!"  
  
Sanae gets up and starts singing in another language for a while then Toppo ends with the deep voice part. Reed then gets up on stage and sings the next verse.  
  
"Have you ever met my master Lilly she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!"  
  
"Reed! You die now!"  
  
Reed runs away as Lilly chases after him. The mic flies into the air and Samus catches it to sing the rest of the song.  
  
"She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair!"  
  
"You're telling me. That silly Joan of Arc 'radical' do is so French Revolution!" Elaine calls out.  
  
"Yaaaaaaaa!!!" Lilly screams as she pulls out her saber.  
  
"She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!"  
  
Everyone starts to pull out their weapons in time to the song.  
  
"Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! She's a stupid bitch!"  
  
"Eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep!" is all Lilly responds with.  
  
"Lilly is a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!"  
  
"Oh yay! Things are about to get dirty alright!" Leo bellows triumphantly.  
  
All the girls, though, run up to do the can-can with Samus.  
  
"I really mean it 'cause MY. she's a big fat sucky bitch!"  
  
Samus does some lounge lizard doo-ap thing a bunch of times. Meanwhile everyone has pounced Lilly.  
  
"Lilly!" Samus sings out.  
  
Everyone starts to cheer and a couple of people hold up their weapons which has a skewered Lilly on the ends of them. The author then walks up and stuffs some money into Samus's pocket.  
  
"Good job, and thank you," Digidude says.  
  
No, no. Thank YOU," Samus smiles back happily.  
  
----------------------  
  
You see Augustine sitting on a randomly placed stump on the grass of Budehuc castle. Louis, Arthur, Kidd, Melville, Elliot, Alanis, Kokoru, Mel, Belle, Gadget Z, Ernie, Cecile, Sanae, Shabon, Sharon, young Viki, and Emily (WOW! There are a lot of girls under the age of 16 in this game) all surround him while sitting in the grass. Also, Luc, Sarah, and Yuber are sitting with the children with poor Sasarai all tied up next to them.  
  
"Yay! Story time!" Luc, Sarah, and Yber all cry out childishly.  
  
"Someone, please shoot me." Sasarai murmurs annoyed.  
  
"I'd help you but, guns haven't been invented yet," Belle tries to console the desperate priest.  
  
"Then spear me! Burn me! Choke me! Anything!" Sasarai yells at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Y'know, it must suck to be Sasarai," Emily surmises.  
  
"How does his life suck? I don't see any vacuums drawing him to a separate location from where he is currently situated at this present time in space," young Viki asks confused.  
  
Everyone stares at her blankly. Except for Ernie, that is, who looks at Viki as if she finally found someone who speaks her language.  
  
"Also, why are you here, Louis?" Alanis asks politely as she scratches Kokoru behind the ear.  
  
"Louis blushes a little but straightens up to speak.  
  
"I'm here to watch over you all."  
  
"Why do we need a babysitter?" Kidd asks in his usual hyperactive manner.  
  
"Because I asked him to," Belle says as she hugs Louis's arm.  
  
Louis blushes a little more.  
  
"Ah, yes! Let us start with zis most gorgeous of tales, shall we?" Augustine chimes in dramatically.  
  
"What is it, Augustine? Shabon must know!" Shabon yelps in anticipation.  
  
"It is." he pauses for emphasis, "Zee 'Frog Prince'!"  
  
Augustine gets up and poses most elegantly before everyone holding the book out as if it were some regal idol of the gods.  
  
"Can we just get on with it?" Sharon complains.  
  
"Ah yes! Once upon a time."  
  
"I killed myself and lived happily ever after in heaven away from this nutcase and his vile friends!" Sasarai yelled.  
  
"Now Sasarai, if you don't parle vous, I will have to merci bouceu."  
  
"That wasn't even in the right context you French wannabe!" Sasarai shot back.  
  
"Go on, Augustine!" Alanis yelled out.  
  
"Yes, yes! Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess."  
  
"Well, knowing anime, ninety-nine times out of one hundred the princess is seductively beautiful," Arthur surmises.  
  
"Oi! Why didn't I think of that!?" Kidd shrieks.  
  
"Ahem! If you please, dear youngsters? This princess was a very spoiled girl."  
  
"Gee, was her name Lilly?" Melville grinned evilly.  
  
Everyone had a hardy laugh, except for Augustine who was a little agitated for being interrupted again and young Viki, but we all know how she is.  
  
"If I may go on," Augustine interrupted, "One day the princess was sitting next to a pond holding her beloved golden ball."  
  
"That's stupid. What would someone need with a big ol' golden ball?" Cecile asked confused.  
  
"She's a princess. What would we know that amuses the rich and snobbish?" Sanae responds.  
  
"Will you please stop interrupting me," Augustine grits his teeth while a small vein begins to throb on his forehead, "All of a sudden she dropped the golden ball into the pond."  
  
"Heh heh, her ball got wet," Louis muses.  
  
Belle punches Louis lightly but smiles at him. The other children are completely naïve to the comment and Augustine is a little ticked.  
  
"Excuse moi! I am trying to read here!" Augustine cries out.  
  
"OK, OK. Don't get your pants all in a bundle," Mel apologizes while backing up a little.  
  
"That depends whether he has room to bundle it," Melville smiles wickedly.  
  
"Heh, yay, his description does say that his sex is undetermined," Kidd joins in.  
  
"What!? How dare you look at my private information!" Augustine yells.  
  
"I can't help it! I am the detective around here!"  
  
"Um, maybe we should let Augustine finish the story," Elliot butted in seriously.  
  
"Actually, I'm tired of this story. It's stupid, I've heard it before," Sharon starts berating.  
  
"Oh, really, what happens in the end?" Cecile asks very interested.  
  
"Well, the princess throws the frog prince against a wall at the end and he transforms into a prince and the two live happily ever after."  
  
All the children look at Sharon in horror.  
  
"No, no. The princess learns about love and true unrivaled friendship. Then she kisses the frog and he turns into a prince!" Augustine corrects.  
  
"No, what you're thinking of is the nicer version of the story. I'm talking about the original version," Sharon re-corrected.  
  
"The real version?" Alanis asks.  
  
"Yep, pretty mean isn't it?"  
  
"But, that's stupid! Why would any guy go with some idiot girl who threw him against a wall!?" Emily yells out.  
  
"Yay! What are they teaching the youth of today with such hushed secrets!? We deserve to know the truth!" Arthur encourages.  
  
"Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Down with the grown-ups!!!" all the children yell as Augustine tries to crawl away.  
  
"Quick! He's getting away! Get him first!" Sanae commands.  
  
"Yahhhh!!!" scream all the children as they chase after Augustine.  
  
"Sacre bleu! Such excitement! Such angst! Such TERROR!"  
  
And so they ran around the Budehuc castle for a while leaving a dotted line in their wake much like Family Circus. Meanwhile, Lucia was staring out the window and happened to notice the gaggle of screaming children.  
  
"Aw, how cute. Luce, look. The children are playing tag with Augustine."  
  
"I wonder why some of them have their weapons out?" Luce wondered aloud.  
  
"Probably for a better advantage."  
  
"Yay, you're probably right."  
  
And so the two women went back to their business.  
  
---------------------  
  
Chris is bopping around in a very uncharacteristic manner as Percival and Thomas follow her through the great big mall.  
  
"Oh dear, this place is a lot taller than I thought," Thomas spoke as he looked over the balcony and a flock of seagulls flew past over the billowy clouds stretching out below.  
  
"This is the author's imagination, of course it's twisted and confusing," Percival said as he rolled his eyes.  
  
Then the author held a gigantic plot hole over the mall.  
  
"Um, uh, it's also very charming and wonderful to live in!" the nervous knight quickly corrected himself.  
  
The author put the plot hole back into his box o' plotholes.  
  
"SQUEAL!!!"  
  
Percival and Thomas ran over to where they heard Chris squealing.  
  
"What is it!? Have we been attacked!?"  
  
"No, silly!" Chris giggled, "Look!"  
  
Following her pointed finger the two others looked through the window of a large clothing store. Every color was strewn about in the huge warehouse now extending before them.  
  
"Quick! It's getting away!" Percival yelled as the three of them chased after the extending store.  
  
"Dang 3D powers, I can only run a certain speed!" Thomas whined as he did the trademark Suikoden run.  
  
"Yaaaaa!!!" all three screamed as they threw themselves at the entrance and thankfully fell into the store.  
  
"Phew! We made it." Percival spoke aloud.  
  
"Please pick yourselves up from the store's floor or else face anchor wrath!" some girlish voice screamed shrilly.  
  
"Huh? Who are you?" Chris asked as she pushed herself off the floor.  
  
"Why, I'm May, from Guilty Gear!" May introduced herself and doing a cute little pose involving her swinging her anchor around in a dangerous fashion.  
  
"Wait. What are you doing here? This is Suikoden III!" Thomas asked.  
  
"Oh please. You've already had Final Fantasy and Mario references. What's a Guilty Gear one?"  
  
"You have a point," Thomas said.  
  
"Now, since I'm the proprietor of this here fine establishment, what can I help you with?" May asked much more pleasantly.  
  
Chris leapt forward in a sugary sweet manner. One would have sworn the place became ever so slightly brighter, but, I, the author, do not allow such sickeningly sweet stuff into my fics, so let's just say it was a trick of some very well placed mirrors.  
  
"Oh, we need to find some clothing for our friend here."  
  
"Oh, the cute one?"  
  
"Please, don't say that." Thomas groaned  
  
"Uh, why?"  
  
"Long story. Can we please see your selection?" Chris interrupted quickly.  
  
"Sure, right this way."  
  
May led the group to a large section aptly named the "Men's Section." Upon arrival the three looked around, all sorts of clothing hung about. Dress shirts, baggy pants, hats of all styles, anything you could imagine. Frowning in disappointment, Chris pouted in contemplation.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" May asked.  
  
"Hmm, yay. I hate to complain, but, do you have any cloths for this who want to get raving fangirls away from them?" Chris asked politely.  
  
"Oh, you have one of those problems. I have a friend just like you. His name's Bridget," May went on, "Anyway, if you look over there."  
  
May pointed to a far off area surrounded by decrepit signs warning any who dare come near. Taking a closer look the group saw a dark void leading into an even darker hole. Ancient and vile looking trees gnarled their roots and branches around the entrance and black crows sat upon the signs watching for any who would come. Taking a collective gulp the friends reverted their gaze back to their pirate hostess.  
  
"Um, you don't mean to tell me that a clothing section is situated in the deep bowels of that, do you," Percival asked tentatively.  
  
"Oh, but of course. It's to keep fangirls out, you see."  
  
"Thomas! Get back here," Chris yelled as she grabbed Thomas by the wrist.  
  
"But mommy! I don't wanna!" Thomas cried bloody murder.  
  
"You're going whether you like it or not!" Chris yelled back in a very motherly and commanding voice.  
  
Chris and Thomas headed to the dark section.  
  
"Well, if Chris isn't scared neither am I," Percival shrugged.  
  
"Oh, you will be." May mumbled maniacally.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Percival followed May into the dark void as well. What awaits our heroes? Will they survive the clothing store of doom, or is the author just that terrible at arousing suspense.  
  
"I choose the latter," Hugo yelled.  
  
No one asked you. Now, end of story.  
  
---------------------  
  
Kathy is sitting on the fence near the barn where her horses are kept. She happens the munching on a breadstick that happens to have come from Mamie's outdoor diner that happens to be laced with a very interesting herb.  
  
"Mmm, Mamie's rally gone an' outdone herself this tahm," the pink cowgirl sighs in satisfaction.  
  
All of a sudden she jumps from the fence and calls out to her horses. The first one that comes up she jumps up onto and does a handstand.  
  
"A'ight kids! It's tahm fah mah favoraht show!" Kathy yells, "Tell meh how many hosses I have raht now!"  
  
Leo seeing this calls out. "You got one right now!"  
  
"Thaht's corraect!"  
  
Riding along she comes near Juan and yells out again this time performing a camel (that's a move in iceskating incase you're wondering). Also another horse has run up to her.  
  
"How many hosses I gaht now!?"  
  
Juan looks up for a second and yells out.  
  
"You got two horses!"  
  
"Oh yay! We ah on a roll!"  
  
Kathy rushes by with a great big grin on her face. As she nears Scott's trade shop four more horses catch up.  
  
"Now how many hosses I gaht!?"  
  
"You got six horses, you crazy lady!" that random Krayan who walks around in front of Scott's trade shop yells back.  
  
"Yay! Yet anothah raht ansah!"  
  
By now all the horses had caught up with Kathy as she headed toward Mamie's outdoor diner.  
  
"Now how many hosses I gaht!?"  
  
"Fifteen!" all of Budehuc castle yelled which is quite impressive for a castle to do.  
  
"That's raggggggggghhhhhhhhhhtttttttt!!!" Kathy screamed as she and the whole her of horses fell over the side of the lake.  
  
"*sigh*" was all Mamie could muster up as Borus continued to bury his face in her chest.  
  
--------------------  
  
Yun and Jimba are sitting next to a hole in the clouds of heaven (assuming heaven has clouds) sipping herbal tea from those ceeewwwwt no-handled Japanese cups.  
  
"Ah, another fine day here in heaven, don't you agree Jimba?" Yun asks.  
  
"Mmm, yes, yes it is."  
  
"Hey, there's Chris," Yun points down into the hole in the clouds.  
  
"Where, where!?" Jimba shouts excitedly.  
  
"Right there."  
  
Jimba looks down and sees Chris hacking the head off a monster. Blood sprays everywhere and Chris stands over the limp monsters body.  
  
"*sniff* that's my little girl."  
  
"It's so sweet to see a daughter take after he father."  
  
--------------------  
  
Hugo is walking out of the infirmary and Aila and Viki walk up to him.  
  
"Hey there girls!"  
  
"Hi Hugo," Aila greets with an enthusiastic wave.  
  
"Don't worry about Tuta, Hugo. We already crossed his name off," Viki informs.  
  
Hugo looks pleased and nods.  
  
"Now, who's next?" Hugo wonders aloud.  
  
"Hmm, that is a toughy. There's so many hot bishis around here," Aila pouts in an odd mix of disappointment and lust.  
  
Right then, Rico came running up to the three.  
  
"Hey guys! *huff * *puff* Could you help me out?"  
  
"Sure, Rico, what's the problem?" Hugo asks a bit concerned.  
  
"I need help finding Fred a present! His birthday is tomorrow!"  
  
All three friends blinked collectively, then, they smiled collectively.  
  
THE END  
  
After Words: Sorry I took so long to update this fic series but I'm busy here at college (damn work, damn you I say!). Anyway, this fic took me a while just plainly because I had a lot of writer's block as well. If any of you have any good ideas I'd love to hear them. Reviewy pleasy!  
  
-TrekTournament 


	5. Adventure 5: Go Freddy! It's Your Birthd...

The Yaoi Adventures of Hugo And Other Suikoden Weirdness  
  
Disclaimer: Guess what!? I STILL don't own Suikoden! Anyways, been a while since I updated. I've been busy. . . Anyways, guess what everyone! It's Fred's birthday! And you can imagine what our silly crew of yaoi lovers have planned for him. Eheeheheeheeheheheheeheheheeeee!!!  
  
Adventure #5: Go Freddy! It's Your Birthday!  
  
It was a warm morning, birds chirped beautifully, flowers bloomed, care bears frolicked on the clouds, and the entire Budehuc castle was busy preparing for a certain knight's birthday. Mamie and some volunteers were baking a huge cake, many of the acrobatic recruits were hanging up decorations and others were cleaning about the castle.  
  
"I refuse!" the hotheaded Lilly shouted, "I refuse to. . ."  
  
The author, who decided to make a surprise visit, held up a ridiculously large and sharp pencil.  
  
". . . NOT help on this most glorious of occasions!"  
  
Lilly quickly grabbed a cute little apron from Shizu and went right into dusting some random vase. The author grinned devilishly.  
  
"I'm so glad he came. Things have been so much more peaceful around here now that he keeps Lilly under check," the good natured Anne spoke up as she hung a cute bow upon the wall.  
  
"I agree. And he's rather cute too," Nei smiled sweetly at the author.  
  
The author smiled despite knowing that he was making himself look like a loser by having fictional women flirt with him.  
  
Meanwhile, off in one of the many rooms of the castle a very embarrassed Fred stood in front of his best friend Rico. Fred wore, amazingly, some rather ordinary clothing consisting of basically a silk white t-shirt, some finely crafted beige khakis, and rather nice looking sneakers.  
  
"Oh, come on, Fred. You can't be that embarrassed," Rico giggled.  
  
"Yay, but, you don't have to wear the crown. . ." the pouty knight pouted.  
  
"Oh, you know it's apart of our tradition that all male knights must wear the crown of birthdayness on their twentieth birthday."  
  
"Yay, but it looks like that silly crown Vigo Morten had to wear in Return of the King."  
  
"Now, now, don't go bringing in futuristic pop culture references."  
  
"But I don't wanna wear the crown, mommy!"  
  
"Now, you do as I say, young man, or no cake for you!"  
  
Upon hearing this most horrible of threats Fred shut up and did as he was told.  
  
"Now that's a good boy," Rico cooed as she patted Fred on the head and made him jump up for a Freddy snack, "OK, let's go see how everyone is doing."  
  
"Right, Raggy. . . ahem. . . I mean, OK!"  
  
The two left the room and headed out to the top of the staircase to announce his coming out.  
  
"I am not gay!" Fred yelled at the author.  
  
The author ignored him and carried on. When Rico reached the stairs she called out to everyone below.  
  
"Hey, everybody! The birthday boy is here!"  
  
Looking up the entire room lit up with enthusiasm. Nearly every female in the room fainted after seeing Fred.  
  
"Jesus Christ! He's hot!" Shabon yelled before keeling over.  
  
"See? I told you it would be alright," Rico said as she leaned into Fred's face.  
  
Fred backed off slightly feeling a bit of cold sweat fall down the side of his head.  
  
"Um, I guess so," he said as he eyed all the comatose broads on the floor below him.  
  
Soon, all the women were roused from their slumber.  
  
"I dreamed Fred and I had wild sex," Lilly spoke as she awoke.  
  
. . .  
  
"What!?"  
  
. . .  
  
"Hey! Answer me!"  
  
The author drew a giant cage around Lilly and threw her into the cellar.  
  
"Agoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
"Yay! Now my birthday is perfect!" Fred squealed.  
  
Fred was then escorted by many of the female inhabitants now magically dressed in very skimpy outfits. Though, he seemed to enjoy himself, Fred felt there was something missing, something he wanted. But, what could it be. . .?  
  
"That's where we come in!" Hugo said as he pulled the camera over to face him.  
  
"That's right! Hey, author, you got everything ready?" Aila chimes in.  
  
Author holds up a small script and hands it to Hugo, Aila, and Vikki.  
  
"I'd say he has it under control," Vikki comments.  
  
"XXX-cellent. . ." Hugo says as he rolls his hands together evilly.  
  
"And, yes, the three X's are there for a reason," Aila follows up with a giddy grin.  
  
----------------  
  
Yumi and Yuiri sat off at the end of one of the buffet tables chatting amongst themselves.  
  
"Oh WOW! This is a REALLY GREAT PARTY! Don't YOU think so, YUIRI!?" Yumi spoke in her extremely shrill voice.  
  
Wiping the blood from her ears Yuiri answered, "Yes, yes it is," she smiled while sipping a glass of tropical punch that had one of those cute little umbrellas sticking out of it.  
  
"Oh! I CAN'T wait to SEE what HAPPENS next!"  
  
Right after Yumi was knocked down by Yuiri's voice and propped herself up again Kidd popped out of nowhere.  
  
"Ahhhh! Don't do that!" Yumi yelled as she nearly fell over again.  
  
"Sorry, but temporal displacement is so much fun!" Kidd says.  
  
"OOOOO! I WANNA try TOO!" Yuiri pipes up.  
  
"Sorry, but some other time Yuiri, for I have a serious question for the both of you."  
  
Yuiri sat up as her eyes became all chibi-like (scary, I know) and Yumi rolled her eyes as she hoped that she could sit down for more than ten seconds.  
  
"OH! DO ask AWAY!"  
  
"How do your people procreate?"  
  
". . ."  
  
". . ." still.  
  
". . ." with great emphasis.  
  
"What?" Yumi asked.  
  
"HOW do we PROCREATE!? THAT's a SILLY question!" Yuiri said all valleygirl- like, like, yay.  
  
"Um, Yuiri, I don't think it's best that we go telling people how our people grow in number."  
  
"OH! But IT'S REALLY not THAT bad! I MEAN everyone DOES WHAT we DO!"  
  
"Uh, not exactly. . ."  
  
"Ah, the plot is thickening. Do tell me Yuiri. What is it your people do that is so different from normal human procreation?"  
  
"HEE HEE! WE lay EGGS!"  
  
Kidd looks stunned. Yumi slaps her forehead.  
  
"IN FACT! I have MY EGG right HERE!"  
  
Yuiri proceeds to reach into a small hand basket sitting next to her and pulls out a large egg, big enough to hold a human baby.  
  
"HERE! MY BABY! IF you put YOUR HANDS on it YOU can FEEL IT'S heart BEAT!"  
  
Kidd stares amazed and horrified. Yumi groans audibly.  
  
"Um, I USED to want to know EVERYTHING in the world. . ." Kidd stammers as he backs away slowly.  
  
"Well, I hope you're happy. You scared him off," Yumi grumbles.  
  
"WHAT!? I ONLY showed HIM MY baby!"  
  
"sigh Nevermind. . ."  
  
----------------  
  
Jefferson walked about the party sipping some rum, as all manly-man types do. Soon he comes to Mamie's stand, as she is the one who made the food and wouldn't feel right not serving it.  
  
"Good day, Mr. Jefferson!"  
  
"Hello their 'Crab Salad'!"  
  
"Will you please stop calling me that? Anyway, would you like to try some of my new dishes?"  
  
"Most certainly, 'Crab Salad'."  
  
"I said stop calling me that. Here ya go. I made these cutlets with some new herb Scott got recently. Hopefully it's not like the last herb he sold me. . ."  
  
"Hmm, lets see here."  
  
Jefferson proceeds to eat a cutlet, of which, suddenly his world turns purple and hazy.  
  
"Whoo. . . wow. . . 'Mommy's Eyes' you did a great job... this... time..."  
  
Jefferson then falls flat on his back.  
  
"Um, Jefferson, are you OK?" a distressed Mamie yelps as some other partygoers look over to see what the resounding thud had been.  
  
Jefferson then shoots right back up. He proceeds to jump on one end of the buffet table and start scarfing food.  
  
"Whee! I'm sooooo hungry!"  
  
Mamie looks on bewildered and others begin backing away slowly. Mamie's face then becomes very dark as she sifts her eyes toward Scott.  
  
"Scott!? What did you sell me this time!?" the exasperated cook screams deformedly in a doom-like way.  
  
Sighing to himself Scott turns around.  
  
"sigh What did I do thi. . ."  
  
Scott looks up to see Mamie as a giant evil beast-thing (like all girls do in anime) sharp teeth and all.  
  
"Eh, I think saying 'No refunds' won't help?"  
  
"Damn straight!"  
  
And thus, the side story ends with a silly Roadrunner/Wily Coyote chase scene.  
  
"Bets on how many pieces she shreds him into?" Ace asks Queen.  
  
"Assuming anything's left," Queen retorts sarcastically.  
  
----------------  
  
The ever sleepy Caesar sat upon the plush easy chair of the meeting room. Soon Apple came walking in with a pile of papers in her hands.  
  
"Good morning Mr. President," she greeted her prized student.  
  
"Heh, I wish."  
  
"Well, I've got here some papers we need to fill out."  
  
"Paper? What kind?"  
  
"Delivery papers. You know for all the stuff that came for Fred's birthday."  
  
"Ah, makes sense," Caesar nodded.  
  
"OK, lets see. The first one is for the ingredients of the cake."  
  
"Right."  
  
Caesar pulls out a huge stamp reading: "I OWNZ YOU" and smashes it down on the paper.  
  
"A signature would have sufficed."  
  
"But, then what's the point of having giant silly objects to whack things with?"  
  
"Whatever. The next one is for the wall decorations."  
  
Caesar smashes the stamp down again. This time with a very childish grin. Apple looks at him skeptically before bringing out the next paper.  
  
"And here's for the condiments at the buffet table."  
  
SMASH!!!  
  
"And for the cleaning products."  
  
SMOOSH!!!  
  
"And the plastic utensils."  
  
SQUASH!!!  
  
"And the. . . the. . ." Apple stammers.  
  
"Huh? What's the matter? We were on a roll!"  
  
"Uh, the next one you may want to talk to Billy about," Apple spoke turning a little red.  
  
"Oh, let me see that," Caesar took the paper from Apple.  
  
In what seems like slow motion Caesar's skin turned a rather light color of pale as his eyebrows curved upward.  
  
"Uh, twenty Blow-Up-Bettys?"  
  
"Heh, rather disturbing, actually," Apple concluded timidly.  
  
"I know this makes him a pervert, but, what is he going to do with twenty of them?" Caesar asked curiously.  
  
"I don't think we want to know."  
  
"Agreed!"  
  
SMASH!!!  
  
"Next!"  
  
"Uh, right. . ."  
  
---------------  
  
Somehow, Lilly escapes from her cage and runs up the cellar stairs.  
  
"Yahhh! Author! You shall feel my wrath!" the enraged swordswoman screams.  
  
Everyone looks over to see Lilly.  
  
"OK, how did she escape?" Sharon asks.  
  
"Ahhahahahah! Take this!"  
  
Lilly proceeds to take off all her cloths and perform the little teapot dance.  
  
"I'm a little teapot. . .!"  
  
Everyone else proceeds to scream in horror.  
  
"Ahhhhh! The flat-chested-ness!" Leo screamed shrilly.  
  
"My innocent virgin eyes!" Mellville yelled.  
  
The author only fainted and pandemonium struck the party.  
  
"Yeeee! Pandemonium!" Luc squealed with glee.  
  
"Oh no! The author! We're all doomed!" Sasarai yelped.  
  
But, thankfully, a random plot hole flew in and engulfed the raunchy bitch.  
  
"Eeeyaaahhhh! I'll be back!" Lilly screamed as she fell into the eternal void of bad fanfictiony badness.  
  
"Yay! We're saved!" All the partygoers cheered with glee.  
  
"But, who could've done that?" Ernie asked aloud.  
  
Everyone began talking amongst themselves, wondering if any of them knew the answer. Meanwhile the author was revived by many big-breasted females.  
  
"Big goofy grin" the author showed with great emphasis.  
  
Meanwhile up in the rafters a creature resembling that of a pink hedgehog sat with a happy smile.  
  
"You're welcome, author."  
  
---------------  
  
Fred sat on his bed, content with the day's events. But, somewhere, in the back of his mind, something was missing, something very important and amazing. Sighing, Fred turned over in the sheets and tried to lay in a more comfortable position. As soon as he stopped moving around he felt a soft touch on his shoulder. Turning around he met the gaze of Hugo's crystal blue eyes.  
  
"Hu, Hugo. . .?" Fred trailed.  
  
Hugo put a finger to his lips.  
  
"Hush, my prince. I'm here to be with you."  
  
Hugo leaned in and gave Fred a soft kiss before sliding in bed with the man. He held Fred in a hug, snuggling cutely. But, as this story is about Hugo getting' it on with all the bishis you can only imagine what they did later.  
  
Also, on the other side of the room, peeking through the doorway, some female faces lit up with glee. Aila and Viki patted Rico on the back as she stood, tears filling her eyes.  
  
"sniff Happy birthday Fred."  
  
---------------  
  
Meanwhile. . .  
  
"Does this tunnel ever end?" Thomas asked dog-tiredly.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure it's not that much farther," Chris encouraged.  
  
"Yes, to your doom," May whispered as she grinned devilishly.  
  
"What was that?" Percival asked.  
  
"Nothing. . ."  
  
And the group continued their journey through the long, dark, and foreboding clothing store forest.  
  
THE END  
  
After Words: Oi! Nice work, I think. A good comeback if I do say so myself. Anyways, as per usual, send reviews and ideas. I have also changed my settings so even people without accounts can send in their opinions. Also, I have a small favor to ask. If you're going to flame me please keep your personal fetishes out of the flame. I recently got one where someone thought a fic of mine was bad just because they thought that two guys had a thing for each other and I had put one of those guys with a girl. In all truth all three of the characters have no interest in each other due to canon (and besides, two of them were siblings, ew). Thus that comment was totally confusing to me. So, yay, please don't make me think you're an idiot. Thank you.  
  
-TrekTournament 


End file.
